Most of the attempts to wow and woo Google were pretty predictable: temporarily re-naming a town "Google"; bribing the top execs at Google with call girls and expensive golfing trips to Bermuda; and promising to eat a worm. But few have been willing to go all the way, and by "all the way" we mean put their life on the line so that their constituents can have an internet connection faster than God's own.
But that's exactly what Assemblyman Joseph Lentol of North Brooklyn has done...he's promised to take a dip in Newtown Creek if Google promises to bring its near real-time web surfing to his North Brooklyn district.
Maybe you've never been close enough to Newtown Creek to get a good look at the water, but if you've been anywhere near it, there's a good chance that you got a whiff of it. We're not exactly talking about the crystal clear waters of a fresh mountain trout stream. It's a dirty creek, so dirty in fact that the Environmental Protection Agency is seriously considering adding Newtown Creek to its Superfund list.
Now, don't let the "super" in Superfund fool you; it doesn't mean that the creek is really awesome, it means it's going to take a whole lot of money to clean it up. The only distinction that comes with being added to the Superfund list is that Newtown Creek would take its rightful place among the most contaminated and toxic sites in the country.
But that's not going to stop Lentol, who says he used to swim in Newtown Creek as a young boy growing up in North Brooklyn, and the creek back then was arguably more polluted than it is now. The EPA isn't down with Lentol's stunt, but the assemblyman says it is worth it to bring the world's fastest internet connection to his highly connected constituents in Greenpoint and Williamsburg. Even Lentol admitted that if he happens to grow a third arm from swimming in Newtown Creek, he still couldn't surf the web as fast as if he was using Google's miracle connection.
Well, good luck assemblyman.
Actually, we're not even sure this "high-speed broadband" actually exists. Really, are we supposed to believe that Google has some way to deliver our internets 100 times faster than we currently receive it? Yeah right, and they're also working on making pizza taste 100 times better and making puppies 100 times cuter. Come on Google!
But when Google stops making every elected official across the country grovel on their knees to bestow on them the chance to use its fancy new web service and actually picks a place to test it, we're sure that everybody will rave about how fast and awesome it is and how life no longer sucks and you can update your Facebook status so much quicker, even though it's only moderately more convenient than the current system because they want to believe in the overarching power of Google and its ridiculously priced stock as badly as Icelanders want to believe in elves. But where will that leave Joe Lentol you thankless ingrates?
Google, if Joe Lentol gets harmed, it's on your head!