One Bottle is Never Enough
Mar 04, 2009 | 2827 views | 0 0 comments | 47 47 recommendations | email to a friend | print
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Pol Position's Design
How many bottles of cologne does it take for the stink of a ridiculous controversy to be completely erased? The answer is none, because rather than erase or even mask an awful smell, cologne only aggravates it, as the original odor mixes with the musk and the two, neither of which were very pleasant to start with, are both unified in one awful, nasally trenchant disaster.

And wile we think we might have pushed that metaphor a little bit too far, it holds true regarding the story of Queens Councilman Peter Vallone, Jr., and Bond No 9’s new borough inspired fragrance, “Brooklyn.”

Yes, Bond No 9 is marketing a fragrance that captures the spirit of Brooklyn. Nevermind that the smells that come to mind when thinking of the beloved borough are of the Gowanus Canal/Newtown Creek variety, which are hardly the way to way to woo, unless you’re dating some sort of bizarre swamp creature that was mutated by the toxicity of those bodies of water.

Like Vallone, Pol Position takes serious issue with the idea of marketing a Brooklyn fragrance, and not only because of the inherent ridiculousness of cashing in on a neighborhood to sell expensive bottles of water. Brooklyn is one of the most historic places in the United States, and it has long been the underdog of New York City, as its history, resources, and people have been exploited and squeezed dry by the big shots across the East River.

Home to the world’s refugees and immigrants, Brooklyn became a second home to a diverse collection of people who saw nowhere else to turn. Now, after hundreds of years of building communities, the borough has finally been recognized as the cultural force it has always been, and a company seeks to capitalize on this by naming a perfume after it, and that kind of bugs us. Vallone, of course, is unhappy that the bottle features a graffiti-inspired logo.

Turning the negative publicity drummed up by the Queens councilman into a positive, the company behind Brooklyn (the fragrance) has invited Brooklynites to design their own bottle. We didn’t actually see anything wrong with the original bottle, but since the Bond No 9 has invited us to help them market their product, we’ve got a few suggestions for a new bottle.

The first of which, is slapping a photo of Councilman Vallone himself right on the bottle, because even though he’s from Queens, he’s partly responsible for the change in aesthetic. Of course, the photo wouldn’t be complete without a subway platform-style crudely drawn moustache and blacked out teeth.

Another idea we had was to paste pictures of the aforementioned polluted bodies of water, the Gowanus Canal and Newtown Creek. These inlets, which are the lifeblood of Brooklyn, have been found to contain gonorrhea and been declared a federal disaster zone, respectively, and seem to be the ideal imagery for selling a product that represents Brooklyn, especially a fragrance, which is, in essence, tainted water.

And of course, a third, and reasonably sincere counterpoint to our previous suggestions, would be to plaster these bottles with the mug of Borough President Extraordinaire, and (for better or worse) the modern voice of Brooklyn, Marty Markowitz.

The politico is already affiliated with virtually every Brooklyn-related item out there, from road signs to bobble heads, and he’s just a plain sweetie-pie. Applying a fragrance bearing the image of the popular beep just before a date will give young Brooklyn men the confidence they need to effectively romance the mate of their choosing, and girls will rest assured knowing that their dates have class when it comes to politics.

Of course, Pol Position neither denounces nor endorses the Brooklyn fragrance. We don’t want to stand in the way of anybody who is trying to make a buck, but if you must know what scent ourselves with around the office, it is the reek of last night’s Night Train.

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